Friday, March 12, 2010

Bluto Pippy


Bluto Pippy here with the lowdown on the psychotic condition known as The Nice Guy Syndrome. If you're looking for the cure to this disease, you've come to the right place. Never again will you need to suffer from this droning syndrome. Pain has been your path until this day. Now you have found the clinic where you will receive the urgent treatment you oh so desperately require. If you are a Nice Guy, you need look no further, no further than here. So put on your thinking cap, corrugate your brow, and pay attention, because I am about to reveal to you the arcane secrets of how you, the sufferer from this tormenting syndrome, may be released from your agony once and for all. Because for the first time, I am going to reveal the Syndrome-Smashers that I usually reserve for my special "Bluto Pippy Turbo-Seminars." Can you believe it? I am going to give you the keys to the kingdom, my friend. And believe me, they are the Master-Key to Escaping the Nice Guy Castle.


What in the heck is the Nice Guy Castle, you may be asking yourself. After all, you may be saying to yourself, I may be a nice guy, but I don't live in a castle--I can barely make the rent or mortgage on my own place. And here's this guy Bluto Pippy telling me I'm trapped in some kind of castle. Next thing you know, he'll be telling me that I own a yacht or a limousine or even a cruise ship. Easy does it. I'm not talking about a literal bricks-and-mortar castle. No, I'm talking about a castle that you build--in your own mind!


I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always the commanding, confident, decisive, steely-eyed man you see before you (in your imagination, of course). No, I used to be the typical spineless nice guy. If there was a school for invertebrate males, I would have been at the head of the class. I was the typical listening post for all the young ladies in town. They would cry on my shoulder till I wished I had drip-dry skin. But that wasn't my only problem. Because I was a textbook case of the Nice Guy Syndrome, the most pernicious pestilence known to the male psyche. But this is what's most important--I invented the cure!


Before I tell you about the cure, let Bluto Pippy strap on his doctor's mirror and do a little diagnosing. If I'm not mistaken, you are in your twenties, male, a college student. You're up late on a Friday evening, and most importantly, you're alone. The internet has its solaces, sure--but it sure ain't no substitute for the gardens of female companionship. But if you've been crying all night in your rootbeer, it's time to put a grin back on your face, because things are about to change. And brother, do I mean change!


Each Nice Guy lives in a castle of his own making. The Nice Guy Castle--not a real castle, remember, it's symbolical--is made up of three things: a Moat, a Drawbridge, and a Gate. These three things make up the hiding place that's keeping you from finding your dream girl. Lucky you stumbled on Bluto Pippy's Syndrome-Cure website--aren't you?


OK, you've been waiting long enough. You want to know the cure. You want to finally be free of this dread condition. You want to no longer be the Nice Guy, the confidant, the friend. You want to be a duplicate of myself, Bluto Pippy. Well, for the first time, I am offering you...


Look at what the course contains:

1. A tufted ottoman (a kind of footstool) which contains a hidden compartment in which you may privately store your Syndrome-Smasher Lessons.

2. A stylish plastic carrying case containing 35 ultra-modern high-tech cassette tapes featuring my greatest lectures.

3. An official Syndrome-Smasher Certificate of Honorable Completion (suitable for hanging).

4. A bottle of Bluto Pippy Hypno-Sauce. Zest up your hot dinner dates with a dollop of this fiery, trendy sauce.

5. A hardbound, imitation leatherette edition of an out-of-print self-help book from the 19th century--sure, you could download it for free off of the internet, but that would be less lucrative for myself.

There you have it. This course will work wonders for your intimate life. You have no choice but to order now. Send cash only to:

Bluto Pippy
P.O. Box Z
Colonized Mars

Remember, if you don't act now, you will live with endless regret for the rest of your pitiful, loser's existence.

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