Monday, February 15, 2010

Restaurant Review: Simply Slop

At an eatery called Simply Slop, I ordered a breaded pork chop, with a side of waxed fries dyed with various dyes, till I ordered the waitron to stop! You can stop chuckling now. Simply Slop is the "feel good restaurant" of 2010. I said it, you believe it, and that settles it. All kidding aside, you just never know what the culinary innovators at Slop have up their sleeves. Multi-colored French fries? Sure, why not. As their commercial, sung by that sort of singing group that usually does local carpet jingles, goes: "Simply, simply's the place! Wow!" Even the tablecloths are astonishing--they look like they're sculpted out of butter. And the waitrons speak through some kind of voice-distortion device that really gives the dining experience an edgy vibe I know of at no other restaurant. I want people to really feel the excitement of Simply Slop, but I fear that my review may not be enough to convince people to make that journey to an admittedly unattractive side of town to "live the slop" as we fans say. But please visit this establishment. Please. You'll like it. Really. It's the best restaurant. Ever. The food is so good it's ludicrous. The cotillion-script sign in faint green states "Simply Slop" and what could be simpler? I want you to relax right now and picture yourself walking through one of those giant concrete frogs near a mercury pond. Now see yourself in a gleaming guttering bubble, one of its sides dangerously close to losing tension. The bubble wants to protect you from bad food, and so it guides you lovingly to one of the worst roads in town, a strip with incomprehensible traffic. It wants you to open the metal and glass door to Simply Slop. It guides you into the lobby. You see a tarnished brass post with a dark brown sign with gold lettering that states: "We Must Wait to be Seated." And you wait for the server. We feel that you humans, stumbling on your benighted paths, need but to sample the unhydrated Tang salad with crumbled pieces of Chicken-in-a-Biscuit crackers, or the flamingo chowder, or the mush croquets, for you to attain enlightenment. We feel you are dwelling in illusion until you taste what Slop has to offer, the nectar of peace on a blue plate. Sit yourself right down at the "Slop Slab." Start with the petrified truffles and then work your way down the "food chain" till you've sampled every delight on offer. You will love the decor. The high walls are lined with wooden trellises to which are pinned giant silky wreaths and paintings of mournful comic drunkards. Malfunctioning portable black-and-white televisions are set up on each table to keep us occupied before the first course arrives. Thoughtfully, a roll of aluminum foil is provided for better reception. With a tingle of anticipation, you page through the suede menu, looking for that perfect liverwurst soup served in a hollowed-out pineapple. And it is is all there waiting for you at Simply Slop. I give it infinite stars, my friends. Infinite stars.....

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