Thursday, June 25, 2009
Morty "Botanical" Sherbet
"Mr. Sherbet, do you know where you are?" "Get me out of this thing. It isn't necessary." "Mr. Sherbet. I just need you to answer a few questions. OK?" "I may be insane, but I'm not criminally insane. I don't need to be tied up in this thing. Let me out!" "Those restraints are there for your own protection, as well as that of the staff. Once you answer a few questions, we'll ease you out of that. All right. Mr. Sherbet, do you know where you are?" "This whole thing was Storch's idea. He wants me locked up because I'm on to him." "Mr. Sherbet, do you know where you are?" "The North Pole. And I'm Santa Claus. If you're good I'll bring you a yacht for Christmas." "Mr. Sherbet, I thought you wanted to be removed from that. As long as you refuse to cooperate, you will be restrained. Where are you, right now?" "I'm on a shelf in a grocery store. I'm a can of Vienna sausages. I'm lonely, and I wish somebody would come by and pick me up." "Mr. Sherbet." "No, you're right. That's crazy. I'm on Mars. I got a job cleaning out the canals. It doesn't pay much but the view is incredible!" "Mr. Sherbet, why don't we try another question. What year is it?" "What year?" "What year is it." "I think it's 1066 or something. It's the year of the Norman Conquest. Some guy named Norman took over the world." "Mr. Sherbet, think of how long the night will be with you tied up in that thing. Is that really what you want? Where are you." "I thought the new question was, what year is this?" [Audible sigh.] "All right, Mr. Sherbet. What year." "I think it's 1837." "1837, huh?" "Yeah, 1837, 1836, like that." "And who's the president?" "Martin Van Buren." [Laughter.] "Mr. Sherbet, you're impossible." "Ah, but you laughed that time." "Let's try a few more questions. Who are you?" "Martin Van Buren." "How fascinating, Mr. Sherbet. We've never had a patient before who believed he was Martin Van Buren." "Did I say Martin Van Buren? I meant, Mamie Van Doren." "Who are you, Mr. Sherbet." "I told you, I'm a can of Vienna sausages. My name is Morton Van Vienna-Sausages. I work in Venice. I mean, Mars. No, Saturn." "And what do you do on Saturn, Mr. Sherbet? Surely, you don't clean the canals?" "No. I polish the rings." "The rings, huh?" "Yeah, they're very beautiful rings. Have you never seen the rings of Saturn, miss?" "Let's try one more question and then we'll loosen up the restraints a little." "If there was an ABC store in this place, we could loosen up the restraints a little." "Mr. Sherbet, where are you?" "I know where you are." "Where am I, Mr. Sherbet?" "You're in my mind." "And where is that, Mr. Sherbet?" "In my head." "And where is your head, Mr. Sherbet. Tell me where your head is at." "I don't know! Don't you understand? That's why I'm in this place. I just don't know! I don't know where my head is at!"