Monday, April 06, 2009

The Jacques Wool Roast

[from Tom Lisk:]

Excerpts from the Jacques Wool Roast

Compiled, lightly edited and tactfully annotated by Arthur Feasibule

Theandrus Bergamot, M. D.:

Those of you who know Jacques Wool as a philanthropist, which is of course most of us, except those from whom he has kept his generosity a secret, for whatever reasons, may be surprised to learn that he began his professional career as an aspirin tablet. Or you may not.

Jacques was living at the time in Pickthanks, Arkansas. This was before he met Merino. Jacques has always been evasive with me about where he was actually born. Since he conquered his speech impediment it’s hard to tell whether or not he has a slight foreign accent, and if so, what earlier language tangles his tongue. But I digress. So you are interested in aspirin. I should let Jacques himself tell this, but his memory isn’t what he remembers it to be, is it, Meri?

You may be wondering at what age Jacques had the growth spurt that transformed him from a white pill the size of a woman’s pinkie nail to the colossal figurine we’re honoring this evening. I assume that’s why the window curtains have been drawn, to help us forget the outer darkness and enjoy the inner light as well as the symbolic meal of beans, bacon, pickles and milk that I see some of you haven’t quite finished. To avoid gastrointestinal distress and discourage internal bleeding, aspirin should, of course, be taken with food or at least with a full glass of water.

[more from the Jacques Wool roast will be posted here in the days to come. Thanks to Tom Lisk.]

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